I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.