I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants