our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.