Texts From Last Night

notoche's Favorites Texts:

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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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  (201): You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality. http://tfl.nu/6ws6
  Replies (26) Good night (1200) Bad night (3641) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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  (530): He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away http://tfl.nu/6kvy
  Replies (20) Good night (948) Bad night (5454) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  God, you're like boner-b-gone

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  (305): God, you're like boner-b-gone http://tfl.nu/0pn8
  Replies (10) Good night (796) Bad night (5137) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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  (770): it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there http://tfl.nu/89or
  Replies (34) Good night (775) Bad night (6851) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She's like the pied piper of lesbians.

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  (405): She's like the pied piper of lesbians. http://tfl.nu/2bl6
  Replies (13) Good night (3362) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
  Replies (92) Good night (30929) Bad night (1346)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (816) Good night (136713) Bad night (8409) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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  (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n
  Replies (40) Good night (26964) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
  Replies (50) Good night (35015) Bad night (1368) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
  Replies (84) Good night (36452) Bad night (1297)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (95) Good night (38044) Bad night (1193)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
  Replies (73) Good night (38093) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
  Replies (83) Good night (38098) Bad night (1659) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
  Replies (200) Good night (38524) Bad night (2837) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (107) Good night (38279) Bad night (1593)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
  Replies (83) Good night (46888) Bad night (1719) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (184) Good night (53948) Bad night (4175)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (151) Good night (62674) Bad night (2952)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
  Replies (114) Good night (62701) Bad night (3540) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
  Replies (16) Good night (7887) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

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  (708): I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard http://tfl.nu/i4gj
  Replies (18) Good night (3825) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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  (337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back. http://tfl.nu/dznq
  Replies (6) Good night (4279) Bad night (878) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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  (860): at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!" http://tfl.nu/hob5
  Replies (12) Good night (5168) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can

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  (408): we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can http://tfl.nu/prvy
  Replies (6) Good night (651) Bad night (4792) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.

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  (408): i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person. http://tfl.nu/pbus
  Replies (18) Good night (4795) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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  (920): He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car. http://tfl.nu/srqw
  Replies (38) Good night (10463) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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  (716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k
  Replies (41) Good night (4139) Bad night (8413) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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  (561): I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?" http://tfl.nu/1qvw
  Replies (17) Good night (4933) Bad night (1086) Order T-Shirt
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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  (807): I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth http://tfl.nu/b4j6
  Replies (18) Good night (6714) Bad night (888) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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  (519): all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat" http://tfl.nu/ukas
  Replies (14) Good night (4005) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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  (407): I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/u472
  Replies (30) Good night (8587) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.

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  (281): I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely. http://tfl.nu/tovx
  Replies (16) Good night (4575) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
  Replies (36) Good night (9304) Bad night (957)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
  Replies (20) Good night (7186) Bad night (1413) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
  Replies (19) Good night (2436) Bad night (5401)
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  (212): View more from New York

  I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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  (212): I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out" http://tfl.nu/blqb
  Replies (29) Good night (8200) Bad night (602)
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  (212): View more from New York

  I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

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  (212): I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth. http://tfl.nu/x3q1
  Replies (13) Good night (6279) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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  (212): yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer" http://tfl.nu/u5kx
  Replies (9) Good night (6975) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
  Replies (21) Good night (14002) Bad night (767)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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  (302): he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks" http://tfl.nu/zxub
  Replies (31) Good night (6826) Bad night (1883) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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  (612): I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A http://tfl.nu/yjw5
  Replies (137) Good night (6711) Bad night (1422) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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  (617): We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in? http://tfl.nu/ejnj
  Replies (25) Good night (6415) Bad night (1349) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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  (916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl
  Replies (43) Good night (16028) Bad night (974) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch

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  (678): My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch http://tfl.nu/nghk
  Replies (11) Good night (3411) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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  (757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT" http://tfl.nu/x7ms
  Replies (22) Good night (13400) Bad night (884)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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  (614): I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone. http://tfl.nu/g122
  Replies (23) Good night (8551) Bad night (698)
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  (646): View more from New York

  Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.

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  (646): Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation. http://tfl.nu/0p0c
  Replies (6) Good night (799) Bad night (2729) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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  (402): next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first. http://tfl.nu/nkj3
  Replies (6) Good night (4468) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets

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  (847): Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets http://tfl.nu/vbys
  Replies (8) Good night (3911) Bad night (827) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
  Replies (30) Good night (11358) Bad night (895) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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  (313): The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not. http://tfl.nu/y4k4
  Replies (12) Good night (1587) Bad night (5183) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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  (208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2
  Replies (16) Good night (6993) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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  (303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk! http://tfl.nu/z1cd
  Replies (27) Good night (8777) Bad night (3733) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

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  (401): I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes. http://tfl.nu/a6fu
  Replies (12) Good night (4707) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

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  (765): Did we both pass out talking about cake last night? http://tfl.nu/lgnr
  Replies (10) Good night (4493) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

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  (425): there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room.. http://tfl.nu/dpny
  Replies (17) Good night (5491) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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  (214): It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil... http://tfl.nu/iyla
  Replies (24) Good night (4471) Bad night (1681) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
  Replies (178) Good night (89868) Bad night (3912)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

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  (513): Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet. http://tfl.nu/slw0
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  (562): View more from California

  So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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  (562): So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later. http://tfl.nu/b9wm
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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  (443): just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?! http://tfl.nu/h1we
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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  (250): woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" . http://tfl.nu/721o
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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  (913): just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home. http://tfl.nu/c9s9
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  (562): View more from California

  If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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  (562): If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up http://tfl.nu/jdv3
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  (408): View more from California

  hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

  (650): View more from California

  nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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  (408): hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;) (650): nah, i'm gonna grab some food http://tfl.nu/jz1a
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  (626): View more from California

  you didnt know i had herpes?

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  (626): you didnt know i had herpes? http://tfl.nu/e6ph
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

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  (208): I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows... http://tfl.nu/dubx
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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  (612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/fztn
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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  (902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.

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  (416): Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements. http://tfl.nu/qg9u
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (408): View more from California

  I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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  (408): I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class. http://tfl.nu/di0h
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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  (207): Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you. http://tfl.nu/tfuz
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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  (724): You kept referring to your penis as "this guy." http://tfl.nu/osjv
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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  (515): I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror http://tfl.nu/xej5
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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  (303): Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water... http://tfl.nu/8ncn
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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  (318): I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away. http://tfl.nu/8l4v
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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  (908): I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me. http://tfl.nu/2kto
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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  (519): I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle. http://tfl.nu/aifz
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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  (614): you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink. http://tfl.nu/tx6g
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