i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
why do cheetos always look like penises
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay