not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
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Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck