I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
this will be a night to untag.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.