Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.