I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
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She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.