I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think my fart just growled at me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
its not stalking. its research.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.