If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd