My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Will you blow on my dice?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I love black thongs
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
too bad you live with your parents still
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You're my little dorito
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Little spoons don't ask big questions
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said