Texts From Last Night

Chuck_Norris's Favorites Texts:

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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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  (740): Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon. (1-740): When in doubt always reply with bacon. http://tfl.nu/8s4u
  Replies (18) Good night (2665) Bad night (427)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.

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  (214): So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him. http://tfl.nu/fzxv
  Replies (2) Good night (1961) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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  (701): Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man. http://tfl.nu/tr3t
  Replies (7) Good night (2941) Bad night (347)
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  (716): View more from New York

  Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

  (585): View more from New York

  Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

  (716): View more from New York

  .......

  (585): View more from New York

  I'm just looking out for you.

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  (716): Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday? (585): Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change. (716): ....... (585): I'm just looking out for you. http://tfl.nu/cj8v
  Replies (16) Good night (2297) Bad night (572)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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  (602): Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house? http://tfl.nu/arpl
  Replies (14) Good night (3782) Bad night (478)
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  (650): View more from California

  At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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  (650): At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe http://tfl.nu/ufvr
  Replies (10) Good night (1337) Bad night (704) Order T-Shirt
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  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

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  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
  Replies (16) Good night (4704) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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  (818): The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me. http://tfl.nu/w1nr
  Replies (18) Good night (5763) Bad night (401)
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

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  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
  Replies (14) Good night (3821) Bad night (682)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...

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  (763): My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home... http://tfl.nu/n3b5
  Replies (3) Good night (1482) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'

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  (309): he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins' http://tfl.nu/d755
  Replies (9) Good night (1722) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties

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  (916): Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties http://tfl.nu/1wl7
  Replies (3) Good night (1285) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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  (703): I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM http://tfl.nu/jp0v
  Replies (6) Good night (2564) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

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  (651): I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen. http://tfl.nu/ant7
  Replies (9) Good night (2306) Bad night (413)
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  (626): View more from California

  So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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  (626): So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential. http://tfl.nu/3n2i
  Replies (5) Good night (2584) Bad night (465)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

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  (203): Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock? http://tfl.nu/k7ck
  Replies (27) Good night (5984) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick

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  (607): You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick http://tfl.nu/kpxh
  Replies (18) Good night (2919) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

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  (530): My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra" http://tfl.nu/4lmh
  Replies (8) Good night (3559) Bad night (329)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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  (270): It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.." http://tfl.nu/em6p
  Replies (5) Good night (4420) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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  (845): Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share. http://tfl.nu/wq4n
  Replies (8) Good night (2019) Bad night (918)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Are you high right now?

  (1-228): View more from Mississippi

  is that a question or a drake reference?

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  (228): Are you high right now? (1-228): is that a question or a drake reference? http://tfl.nu/72z8
  Replies (5) Good night (1652) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.

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  (218): I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent. http://tfl.nu/0vft
  Replies (25) Good night (2253) Bad night (635)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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  (724): She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail. http://tfl.nu/o810
  Replies (13) Good night (556) Bad night (2590)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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  (512): I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas. http://tfl.nu/ufwf
  Replies (27) Good night (3853) Bad night (505)
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

  (1-916): View more from California

  Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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  (916): I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat. (1-916): Can we laminate it? Just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/1wiq
  Replies (4) Good night (2431) Bad night (406)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Is that even possible?

  (509): View more from Washington

  I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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  (509): He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me. (425): Is that even possible? (509): I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/y48j
  Replies (17) Good night (789) Bad night (2598)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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  (201): Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend? http://tfl.nu/zwy0
  Replies (9) Good night (2539) Bad night (465)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

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  (609): I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art. http://tfl.nu/g5lr
  Replies (14) Good night (2085) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Lube is flammable

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who is this??

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  (502): Lube is flammable (404): Who is this?? http://tfl.nu/y4u7
  Replies (18) Good night (3597) Bad night (550)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..

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  (330): Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand.. http://tfl.nu/4ww2
  Replies (11) Good night (1405) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested

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  (201): she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested http://tfl.nu/bnqm
  Replies (6) Good night (1622) Bad night (447)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.

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  (561): well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement. http://tfl.nu/wjgp
  Replies (10) Good night (638) Bad night (1646)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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  (609): Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps http://tfl.nu/8xhn
  Replies (5) Good night (2350) Bad night (403)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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  (208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/25ho
  Replies (17) Good night (4651) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.

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  (573): I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles. http://tfl.nu/yuyj
  Replies (10) Good night (1727) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  Fuck he won the bet

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  (775): He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors (1-775): Fuck he won the bet http://tfl.nu/9wz5
  Replies (18) Good night (2307) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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  (419): HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU. http://tfl.nu/87a2
  Replies (4) Good night (2077) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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  (916): No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace. http://tfl.nu/5hw2
  Replies (12) Good night (919) Bad night (1852) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.

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  (518): HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR. http://tfl.nu/dsxu
  Replies (12) Good night (1819) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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  (616): She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross http://tfl.nu/ueo2
  Replies (18) Good night (855) Bad night (2703) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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  (847): Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding http://tfl.nu/svxp
  Replies (15) Good night (4658) Bad night (825)
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  (530): View more from California

  Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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  (530): Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection http://tfl.nu/e8qx
  Replies (24) Good night (895) Bad night (5490) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  I hope you fall on your chin.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Jealousy makes you ugly.

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  (802): I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore. (1-802): I hope you fall on your chin. (802): Jealousy makes you ugly. http://tfl.nu/isvw
  Replies (14) Good night (2537) Bad night (772)
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  (916): View more from California

  Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.

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  (916): Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you. http://tfl.nu/jbv6
  Replies (11) Good night (2854) Bad night (781)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.

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  (262): Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other. http://tfl.nu/ky9n
  Replies (33) Good night (3662) Bad night (1068) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
  Replies (29) Good night (5000) Bad night (791)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Things like this can't be explained over text man

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  (678): Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning? (404): Things like this can't be explained over text man http://tfl.nu/zzxh
  Replies (22) Good night (4247) Bad night (1006)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.

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  (586): My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage. http://tfl.nu/u2i7
  Replies (5) Good night (2432) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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  (218): You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate. http://tfl.nu/a3k9
  Replies (18) Good night (3954) Bad night (565)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  You eat cookies in the shower?

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  (608): BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie. (1-608): You eat cookies in the shower? http://tfl.nu/pj2d
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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  (402): On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever. http://tfl.nu/nvjj
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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  (281): I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy.. http://tfl.nu/39a9
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.

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  (724): Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest. http://tfl.nu/3pug
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  (415): View more from California

  She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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  (415): She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision. http://tfl.nu/yqhh
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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  (757): So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real. http://tfl.nu/gd5o
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  What other scale is there?

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  (480): While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale. (602): What other scale is there? http://tfl.nu/fdnh
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  (949): View more from California

  I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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  (949): I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id. (702): It's like the whiskey god was watching over you http://tfl.nu/wgp4
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

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  (206): Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities http://tfl.nu/0iqe
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.

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  (808): So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend? (832): Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required. http://tfl.nu/6w8v
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons

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  (862): Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons http://tfl.nu/m8s3
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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  (913): How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways. (913): 1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me http://tfl.nu/tb9a
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

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  (814): I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green. http://tfl.nu/s063
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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  (289): Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food. http://tfl.nu/bfcw
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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  (708): We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance http://tfl.nu/osk3
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

  (801): View more from Utah

  Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

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  (239): Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down. (801): Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible. http://tfl.nu/w6b2
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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  (905): you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed. http://tfl.nu/nsl5
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  That literally makes no sense

  (406): View more from Montana

  Exactly

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  (406): You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt (1-406): That literally makes no sense (406): Exactly http://tfl.nu/db6l
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's a Thursday.

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  (717): I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend! (215): It's a Thursday. http://tfl.nu/79xq
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  (631): View more from New York

  Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

  (516): View more from New York

  lol... you weighed it?

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  (631): Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night? (516): lol... you weighed it? http://tfl.nu/fdcm
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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  (614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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  (412): it's like her boobs came off with her bra http://tfl.nu/ua1r
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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  (717): He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex http://tfl.nu/v3ok
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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  (717): Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this. http://tfl.nu/jiq7
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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  (505): I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot http://tfl.nu/gw1u
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.

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  (256): smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick. http://tfl.nu/bhlk
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.

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  (402): Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then. http://tfl.nu/941i
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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  (404): They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans. http://tfl.nu/hk9w
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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  (919): My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ix9e
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

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  (248): you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion." http://tfl.nu/tkud
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

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  (480): I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly. http://tfl.nu/a7gl
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  (235): View more from

  I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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  (235): I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/7zv4
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

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  (859): I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny." http://tfl.nu/6v00
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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  (248): I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop http://tfl.nu/8y0s
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  (425): View more from Washington

  My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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  (425): My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/7fga
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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  (402): Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR. http://tfl.nu/vjij
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  (954): View more from Florida

  hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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  (954): hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot. http://tfl.nu/3jpd
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I find this completely acceptable.

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  (903): Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework? (321): I find this completely acceptable. http://tfl.nu/32xm
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again

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  (662): you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again http://tfl.nu/srv7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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