I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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