Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
sarcasm needs its own font
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.