You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone