do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
