the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
dude you need to get laid
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee