it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I intend to get homeless drunk
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
areolas are like halos for boobs.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I haven't been this sober since birth.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My liver just broke up with me...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Wipe that smile off your face.
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
what if I'm pregnant?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You smell like stripper and shame
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you