He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.