you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away