I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?