i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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