So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
