the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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