One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
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I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"