you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
