remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father