i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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