6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We had to coat check the pizza.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im so drunk with asians
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night