Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
