What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it's great music for shaving your balls
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i came on her dog
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section