Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
no you cant smoke seaweed
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This house was built for laser tag.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.