I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
