All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass