It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she told me i tasted like america
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Wipe that smile off your face.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."