So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?