Texts From Last Night

I_luv_pie's Favorites Texts:

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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.

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  (218): There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon. http://tfl.nu/foxi
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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  (719): Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever. http://tfl.nu/fluu
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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  (819): I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex. http://tfl.nu/mg33
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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  (618): I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays. http://tfl.nu/7cee
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

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  (618): She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life http://tfl.nu/m1em
  Replies (8) Good night (2393) Bad night (403)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.

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  (410): The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager. http://tfl.nu/3fqc
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE

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  (678): SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE http://tfl.nu/551z
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

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  (202): I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis http://tfl.nu/lbuu
  Replies (42) Good night (848) Bad night (3239)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

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  (206): That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods http://tfl.nu/achd
  Replies (6) Good night (3412) Bad night (417)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

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  (+44): He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits. http://tfl.nu/wm8o
  Replies (15) Good night (3401) Bad night (671)
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  (909): View more from California

  I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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  (909): I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused http://tfl.nu/1156
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

  (1-443): View more from Maryland

  That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

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  (443): Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please. (1-443): That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude. http://tfl.nu/3mvf
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  (650): View more from California

  Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

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  (650): Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens http://tfl.nu/mv4i
  Replies (13) Good night (1955) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

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  (325): We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget." http://tfl.nu/mx4s
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....

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  (708): Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts.... http://tfl.nu/shwj
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86049) Bad night (8366)
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  (516): View more from New York

  My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.

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  (516): My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit. http://tfl.nu/2g7d
  Replies (9) Good night (851) Bad night (1657) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.

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  (540): BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am. http://tfl.nu/giyu
  Replies (5) Good night (1670) Bad night (457)
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."

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  (478): Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like." http://tfl.nu/6r4y
  Replies (6) Good night (1022) Bad night (504)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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  (+44): The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work" http://tfl.nu/byzn
  Replies (8) Good night (1508) Bad night (524) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.

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  (775): Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think. http://tfl.nu/vd5v
  Replies (2) Good night (436) Bad night (933) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA

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  (563): This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA http://tfl.nu/rbpe
  Replies (2) Good night (1233) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  How much did you drink?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea

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  (630): How much did you drink? (708): Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea http://tfl.nu/hfkt
  Replies (2) Good night (1072) Bad night (557)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

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  (614): We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid http://tfl.nu/h9fh
  Replies (12) Good night (1529) Bad night (525)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?

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  (719): We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You? http://tfl.nu/a56a
  Replies (6) Good night (1966) Bad night (463) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"

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  (778): I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie" http://tfl.nu/vq1n
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  (805): View more from California

  You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?

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  (805): You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina? http://tfl.nu/lipw
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

  (410): View more from Maryland

  dude. im stealing that.

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  (443): i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS! (410): dude. im stealing that. http://tfl.nu/qlpb
  Replies (12) Good night (3400) Bad night (809)
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  (949): View more from California

  You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

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  (949): You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon! http://tfl.nu/33kf
  Replies (9) Good night (3732) Bad night (555)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

  (1-618): View more from Illinois

  We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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  (618): I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it? (1-618): We wouldn't be friends if you didn't. http://tfl.nu/4027
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.

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  (715): I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names. http://tfl.nu/wmoo
  Replies (11) Good night (1750) Bad night (543)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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  (903): Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere. http://tfl.nu/srvw
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  (325): View more from Texas

  3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!

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  (325): 3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches! http://tfl.nu/avjf
  Replies (7) Good night (2185) Bad night (719)
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  (646): View more from New York

  HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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  (646): HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS. http://tfl.nu/gw0q
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  Um. I literally have no words.

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  (419): You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service. (1-419): Um. I literally have no words. http://tfl.nu/ua9g
  Replies (3) Good night (1848) Bad night (726)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
  Replies (15) Good night (6256) Bad night (764)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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  (978): He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo http://tfl.nu/892m
  Replies (17) Good night (2518) Bad night (4021) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

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  (330): She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time. http://tfl.nu/qns1
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.

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  (317): He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry. http://tfl.nu/4jj5
  Replies (4) Good night (555) Bad night (1137)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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  (330): Want me to give your number to an army recruiter? (614): I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist? (330): I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us. http://tfl.nu/ti2n
  Replies (6) Good night (3285) Bad night (549)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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  (727): You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you? http://tfl.nu/l34c
  Replies (31) Good night (2934) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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  (651): I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his. http://tfl.nu/2lgm
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  (718): View more from New York

  ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE

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  (718): ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE http://tfl.nu/zykk
  Replies (7) Good night (1965) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING

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  (320): don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING http://tfl.nu/kogd
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to decorate you...

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  (269): It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair. (1-269): I just wanted to decorate you... http://tfl.nu/gax7
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  you goin out tonight?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  who is this.

  (302): View more from Delaware

  your orgasm for tonight

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  (302): you goin out tonight? (267): who is this. (302): your orgasm for tonight http://tfl.nu/bzdn
  Replies (12) Good night (4912) Bad night (650)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she pinky promised me she was 18

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  (406): she pinky promised me she was 18 http://tfl.nu/cbo2
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.

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  (207): I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole. http://tfl.nu/al7a
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  Actually, she's fat now, so...

  (817): View more from Texas

  Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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  (817): He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but... (1-817): Actually, she's fat now, so... (817): Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson. http://tfl.nu/7993
  Replies (27) Good night (1714) Bad night (4878)
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  (650): View more from California

  PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?

  (773): View more from Illinois

  No - puma.

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  (650): PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar? (773): No - puma. http://tfl.nu/r06a
  Replies (8) Good night (1531) Bad night (385)
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  (786): View more from Florida

  my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao

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  (786): my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao http://tfl.nu/rabe
  Replies (38) Good night (1317) Bad night (6966) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
  Replies (14) Good night (5949) Bad night (1466) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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  (303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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  (612): I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical http://tfl.nu/u7u5
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  (914): View more from New York

  Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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  (914): Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary. http://tfl.nu/8dm9
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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  (618): Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you." http://tfl.nu/wg5q
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.

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  (304): I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird. http://tfl.nu/9ztz
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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  (248): you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits http://tfl.nu/vmd3
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.

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  (717): It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards. http://tfl.nu/wgpg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

  (941): View more from Florida

  it was a krispy kreme

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  (609): wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut. (941): it was a krispy kreme http://tfl.nu/o743
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.

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  (731): Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you. http://tfl.nu/9eaj
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.

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  (541): Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached. http://tfl.nu/gtou
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

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  (256): Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier. http://tfl.nu/oxri
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.

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  (850): Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick. http://tfl.nu/uv5q
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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  (304): he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding. http://tfl.nu/d3lt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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  (425): i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house http://tfl.nu/3ff4
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...

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  (519): like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar... http://tfl.nu/2jmm
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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  (720): its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it http://tfl.nu/rdim
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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  (920): when life gives you lemons, puke and rally. http://tfl.nu/b13b
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Soup is delicious

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  (970): I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup. (1-970): Soup is delicious http://tfl.nu/y0l8
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

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  (515): we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar http://tfl.nu/51mn
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...

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  (225): What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be... http://tfl.nu/qs8w
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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  (520): Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals (480): Are you high and at a petting zoo again? http://tfl.nu/ph9z
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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  (301): A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero. http://tfl.nu/wa7o
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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  (860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?

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  (703): Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible? http://tfl.nu/w9is
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  not the best booty call

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  did she squirt?

  (217): View more from Illinois

  only if tears count

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  (217): not the best booty call (1-217): did she squirt? (217): only if tears count http://tfl.nu/kmd7
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  (707): View more from California

  The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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  (707): The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends http://tfl.nu/16wy
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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  (201): Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium. http://tfl.nu/lfpo
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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  (814): Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect http://tfl.nu/4whi
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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  (204): Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding. http://tfl.nu/e8lb
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  (852): View more from

  come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air

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  (852): come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air http://tfl.nu/kik8
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  (315): View more from New York

  i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee

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  (315): i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee http://tfl.nu/vhng
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.

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  (410): I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb. http://tfl.nu/3y7t
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

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  (402): So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October" http://tfl.nu/8ift
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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  (706): Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out http://tfl.nu/wj5z
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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  (519): we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/bwa3
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  (646): View more from New York

  He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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  (646): He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone http://tfl.nu/7e7m
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  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i just like, need to vent to someone

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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  (910): i just like, need to vent to someone (919): Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you? http://tfl.nu/t3kk
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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  (801): I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion. http://tfl.nu/ntse
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
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  (716): View more from New York

  she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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  (716): she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper http://tfl.nu/z4y6
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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  (605): Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying? http://tfl.nu/tphe
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win

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  (630): my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win http://tfl.nu/ctc5
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