the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.