I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
