I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.