Texts From Last Night

thefarmerkid09's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it. http://tfl.nu/goy6
  Replies (13) Good night (4093) Bad night (1203) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  I hate freshman.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them. (205): I hate freshman. http://tfl.nu/44or
  Replies (23) Good night (1780) Bad night (5200)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery. http://tfl.nu/adx0
  Replies (7) Good night (1566) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers http://tfl.nu/0wmu
  Replies (5) Good night (1480) Bad night (476) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn. http://tfl.nu/9nsq
  Replies (11) Good night (1757) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years. http://tfl.nu/h8vw
  Replies (8) Good night (1840) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Really.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you (580): Really. http://tfl.nu/kw5b
  Replies (101) Good night (10182) Bad night (2839)
• Favorite

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (580): Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them. http://tfl.nu/fkfv
  Replies (7) Good night (1167) Bad night (3222) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Haha did she know what fisting meant?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that. (1-734): Haha did she know what fisting meant? (734): Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself http://tfl.nu/kykk
  Replies (21) Good night (1222) Bad night (5215)
• Favorite

  (863): View more from Florida

  We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (863): We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits. http://tfl.nu/7sfp
  Replies (25) Good night (1150) Bad night (4664) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you' http://tfl.nu/ael6
  Replies (25) Good night (2612) Bad night (5486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete. http://tfl.nu/q4l5
  Replies (19) Good night (4568) Bad night (1039) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library. http://tfl.nu/ghke
  Replies (34) Good night (6775) Bad night (1128) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  ..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): ..i think i can hear you losing your virginity http://tfl.nu/nv6r
  Replies (17) Good night (8262) Bad night (1681) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you http://tfl.nu/vy0a
  Replies (21) Good night (4951) Bad night (1494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I intend to get homeless drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): I intend to get homeless drunk http://tfl.nu/9yk9
  Replies (20) Good night (4901) Bad night (1266) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian. http://tfl.nu/9yc5
  Replies (49) Good night (5077) Bad night (1705) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome. http://tfl.nu/a48x
  Replies (32) Good night (8781) Bad night (1606) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
  Replies (77) Good night (18538) Bad night (2436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
  Replies (36) Good night (12609) Bad night (1033) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it. http://tfl.nu/5i1a
  Replies (12) Good night (8169) Bad night (983)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz
  Replies (41) Good night (4454) Bad night (7262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student. http://tfl.nu/a880
  Replies (55) Good night (1838) Bad night (7519)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
  Replies (41) Good night (14899) Bad night (1025) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps. http://tfl.nu/azhr
  Replies (14) Good night (6602) Bad night (1262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was. http://tfl.nu/ift5
  Replies (16) Good night (5865) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket. http://tfl.nu/pclq
  Replies (13) Good night (5769) Bad night (953) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex" http://tfl.nu/sy7y
  Replies (42) Good night (1278) Bad night (14349) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me http://tfl.nu/r4c5
  Replies (39) Good night (7633) Bad night (1301) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh
  Replies (20) Good night (5755) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs http://tfl.nu/0f09
  Replies (20) Good night (11287) Bad night (1234) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/v8g0
  Replies (14) Good night (5629) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself http://tfl.nu/n2u9
  Replies (45) Good night (1393) Bad night (7004) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is http://tfl.nu/qdi2
  Replies (46) Good night (4839) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn. http://tfl.nu/hrhg
  Replies (18) Good night (8198) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping. http://tfl.nu/aea5
  Replies (30) Good night (3551) Bad night (1261) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick. http://tfl.nu/ib3l
  Replies (23) Good night (1057) Bad night (7737) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
  Replies (37) Good night (10556) Bad night (1241) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction. http://tfl.nu/2rxz
  Replies (58) Good night (1126) Bad night (7168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (225) Good night (7550) Bad night (72233)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
  Replies (258) Good night (4574) Bad night (79679) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
  Replies (204) Good night (86596) Bad night (7145)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
  Replies (179) Good night (86022) Bad night (3115) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
  Replies (301) Good night (100487) Bad night (5755)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112396) Bad night (9779) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (173331) Bad night (6949) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
  Replies (58) Good night (16529) Bad night (1854) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (118) Good night (26941) Bad night (4311) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
  Replies (30) Good night (19856) Bad night (1269) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q
  Replies (25) Good night (6875) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh http://tfl.nu/x346
  Replies (29) Good night (10125) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  no, that is not a typo

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night (401): no, that is not a typo (401): i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday http://tfl.nu/nleu
  Replies (50) Good night (6535) Bad night (2079)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight http://tfl.nu/nfvu
  Replies (48) Good night (12840) Bad night (1327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper http://tfl.nu/7rbt
  Replies (48) Good night (1072) Bad night (8024) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln
  Replies (12) Good night (5404) Bad night (1099)
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish? http://tfl.nu/wvgn
  Replies (28) Good night (8524) Bad night (1337) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later" http://tfl.nu/lryz
  Replies (19) Good night (10244) Bad night (1592) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (936): View more from Texas

  You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (936): You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that. http://tfl.nu/w7w8
  Replies (18) Good night (1967) Bad night (6460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch. http://tfl.nu/dpne
  Replies (24) Good night (14411) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df
  Replies (33) Good night (9149) Bad night (1100) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high. http://tfl.nu/zw5l
  Replies (31) Good night (7855) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it. http://tfl.nu/duoc
  Replies (37) Good night (3342) Bad night (4587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people http://tfl.nu/d4g4
  Replies (15) Good night (3295) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls.. http://tfl.nu/aren
  Replies (5) Good night (2451) Bad night (1067) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life. http://tfl.nu/k4q7
  Replies (33) Good night (821) Bad night (5682) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe. http://tfl.nu/z3x3
  Replies (43) Good night (7770) Bad night (1791) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks http://tfl.nu/vee8
  Replies (22) Good night (4520) Bad night (1459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt http://tfl.nu/1w5z
  Replies (11) Good night (796) Bad night (2858) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

  (678): View more from Georgia

  So... What happend then?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating" (678): So... What happend then? (404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM. http://tfl.nu/3t62
  Replies (49) Good night (11149) Bad night (2453)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!" http://tfl.nu/halh
  Replies (7) Good night (1251) Bad night (3757) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break http://tfl.nu/bh5f
  Replies (8) Good night (1180) Bad night (3873)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building. http://tfl.nu/xm6j
  Replies (12) Good night (9367) Bad night (1416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts. http://tfl.nu/rlkg
  Replies (64) Good night (1397) Bad night (4163) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce http://tfl.nu/v1jk
  Replies (19) Good night (1210) Bad night (5115) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze http://tfl.nu/jmci
  Replies (4) Good night (4255) Bad night (1000) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
  Replies (155) Good night (15583) Bad night (1719)
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag. http://tfl.nu/8spr
  Replies (6) Good night (1095) Bad night (1876) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible http://tfl.nu/51ze
  Replies (22) Good night (514) Bad night (2853) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work. http://tfl.nu/kzvl
  Replies (26) Good night (4116) Bad night (1167) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant. (847): Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you. http://tfl.nu/48mv
  Replies (63) Good night (2791) Bad night (5914)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them. http://tfl.nu/zwx2
  Replies (31) Good night (1249) Bad night (5218) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
  Replies (55) Good night (13573) Bad night (5102)
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward. http://tfl.nu/juz7
  Replies (18) Good night (7077) Bad night (1826) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+65): View more from

  He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+65): He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay? http://tfl.nu/afe2
  Replies (55) Good night (6626) Bad night (2104) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in. http://tfl.nu/ogcc
  Replies (59) Good night (7999) Bad night (914) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day. http://tfl.nu/k8ur
  Replies (16) Good night (8759) Bad night (933) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73547) Bad night (2506) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
  Replies (69) Good night (14311) Bad night (3620) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb
  Replies (51) Good night (14871) Bad night (2242) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
  Replies (56) Good night (30166) Bad night (1425) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  You drink too much

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): You drink too much (1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often. http://tfl.nu/1oor
  Replies (2) Good night (2776) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (53) Good night (72222) Bad night (2147) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free. http://tfl.nu/2six
  Replies (42) Good night (9701) Bad night (1526) Order T-Shirt