my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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