she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
