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i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
jesse's little brother
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
why didn't you poke me back
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
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