My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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