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hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
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