Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.