I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You can't motorboat a personality
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
How drunk are you??
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.