use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
how drunk are you?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.