Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This house was built for laser tag.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor