Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
it glows. i had to have it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.