Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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