I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.